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If my parents didn’t need me, if I weren’t scared of offending God, and if I didn’t have this speck of tenacious hope left in my spirit, I would have died this year. Like wanted to die. Like actively wished I were dead sort of thing. There were times I’d see glimpses of myself dying in my sleep or wandering aimlessly in a street somewhere being hit by a speeding car or just downright contracting some disease and passing away in MMC.

And no, I don’t say this in a emotard kind of way. I also did not do anything self destructive much as I was tempted to do so many times. I have never been suicidal but I have also never been this tired. 

This has just really been an excruciatingly painful year to live. There were happy highlights, but they were easily killed off by the mostly mundane. 

I am not sure if this is what depression feels. They say being depressed means feeling trapped, helpless and hopeless, so if I still have this speck of hope, then I should be fine.

But what if I lose it?

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Busy

That’s my current state. Well, the state that I have been in for several weeks. I have been enjoying (sometimes, just trying to enjoy) the season I am in. I have been meeting with my closest friends, going to restaurants, seeing comedy shows, listening to live music… Heck, I even got to watch midget boxing again. 😂 

Work is also a big part of why I am very occupied. Our company will be transferring to the Mall of Asia area soon and much as I hate undergoing another phase of separation anxiety, I would also just want to get it over with. I still haven’t decided if I will apply for another post. Not sure if I would like to get out of my comfort zone, even if the comfort zone sometimes doesn’t feel confortable anymore.

Mama and Daddy are still the best two people in my life. You who are this, I hope that you can say a little prayer for their health, especially Mama’s. Our family has been going through some challenges lately and I can only admire the strength and faith of my parents. I really hope that our family endures and eventually enjoy what life throws our way.

There was a time when I wanted to be busy because I wanted to escape. I did not want to deal with whatever bad thing I was feeling. Being busy used to be a magic state wherein I can forget that life was messed up.

Now I am just grateful for all these things, boring and exciting alike, because while I still do not understand the very purpose of why 2016 has been the most challenging year of my almost 35 years of existence, it has surely showed me parts of who I am that I did not know existed or are able to exist. 

Anyway, more of gratitude next time. That or a post about drinks I recently had that are named after Pinoy mythical creatures or about revisiting Forbestown in BGC. I don’t know. Can’t say I really care what the next post will be. 

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Ate Dona, if you’re reading this, please send me an sms. I lost your number. I love you and I miss you.

A Rant on Dishonesty

They say the only thing worse than a liar is a bad liar. I say he’s particularly worse if he quotes Bible verses to make people believe that he is a sheep to cover the fact that he is a wolf out to get the naïve and the stupid. I’m not saying wolves cannot become sheep when put into a situation that will compel them to transform. Just saying that now, while he acts like a wolf, I want to get a rock and hit his head with it repeatedly.

It’s not really the lie that pisses me off. It’s his utter disregard for my intelligence and (stalking) skills of being able to find out. I say it’s not the lie, because I do not really care what he does with his life. I am his friend, not his partner. Whatever he does with the opposite (or same, hahaha) sex is of no concern to me. And as his friend, he should already know by now that I am not shallow when it comes to anything and everything. So what’s the lie for?

Another friend thinks that he might have lied because he is not yet ready for me to know that side of him because he might want to take what we have a to a different level. And I said, “Level niya mukha niya.” Haha, just a typical Iya-hirit. I’m not violent or hateful, I just like snide comments for show. Truth be told, there’s a tender spot in my heart for this person. I wouldn’t be frustrated like this, if there isn’t any. I just really have a big issue with dishonesty, especially after my last relationship. If you want to be part of my life, please do not start off with a falsehood, because if I ever find it out, I will forgive you but your image will most likely be marred for life and you would have to deal with my distrust.

I’m sorry this post is cryptic. I just really want to rant to an audience. I deactivated my Facebook for now because I don’t want to post there for all of our common friends to see. I believe my blog is read by strangers mostly, so there.

De-Stressing Over Desserts

Stressed is spelled desserts backwards so I think it was just fitting that when I was on the verge of having a meltdown in the office, I told my friend Ezra that I wanted pie and pudding! So we went to the Toby’s Estate nearest us.

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We shared a slice of their bestseller Calamansi Pie and an order of Sticky Toffee Pudding. The pie was, as always, perfect. A lovely mix of sweet and zesty. The sauce tasted really good but the pudding was not as sticky as I expected it to be. 

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Ezra didn’t have coffee because her tastebuds is like of a child’s. She can’t tolerate anything bitter, so she doesn’t drink alcohol, too. Makes me wonder how we became friends! Hahaha! (Hi Ez, I love you kahit madalas kita binu-bully! ✌🏻️💋)

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Toby’s Estate
V Corporate Center,
125 L. P. Leviste Street,
Salcedo Village, Makati City
M, T – 7am to 10pm
W, Th, Fr, Sat 7am to 12mn
Sun – 8am to 10pm

Of Pride and Fear

I saw this image again on my Facebook newsfeed and started thinking about pride.

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They say pride is the longest distance between two people.

Just recently I came across something that made me want to reach out to someone I haven’t talked to in a long time. Partly, it’s my pride that didn’t want to be the first one to give in that won’t let me communicate. Partly, it’s the fear of being not treated properly again that left me cowering in a corner.

My friends said that the person might be feeling the same. I don’t know. If he thinks I’m angry, I’m not. If he thinks I couldn’t forgive him, I already have. If he thinks I’m not able to admit my shortcomings, I even have a list. If he is afraid of me, well… What I do know is someone who truly knows how to man up will shake off his fear and confront the unknown.

But I’d rather deal with pride and fear than resentment or apathy. Oh Lord, please don’t let any of us deal with the latter.

Takaw Alone

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, ayoko nang mag-blog. Tinatamad na akong mag-isip at discouraged na ako sa pagtaba. Plus something happened recently that has made me not want to go on food adventures first (hint: not food poisoning).

But this week, two people reached out to me and asked me to write about a café in Antipolo and a resto in Tagaytay. Prayed about it and a Bible verse about being bold and moving without hindrance showed up.

Let’s see if I will be able to fill this web space. Kung karirin ko man itong blog na ito, I will not only write about food.

We’ll just have to figure out what those other things are.