If my parents didn’t need me, if I weren’t scared of offending God, and if I didn’t have this speck of tenacious hope left in my spirit, I would have died this year. Like wanted to die. Like actively wished I were dead sort of thing. There were times I’d see glimpses of myself dying in my sleep or wandering aimlessly in a street somewhere being hit by a speeding car or just downright contracting some disease and passing away in MMC.
And no, I don’t say this in a emotard kind of way. I also did not do anything self destructive much as I was tempted to do so many times. I have never been suicidal but I have also never been this tired.
This has just really been an excruciatingly painful year to live. There were happy highlights, but they were easily killed off by the mostly mundane.
I am not sure if this is what depression feels. They say being depressed means feeling trapped, helpless and hopeless, so if I still have this speck of hope, then I should be fine.
But what if I lose it?
They say the only thing worse than a liar is a bad liar. I say he’s particularly worse if he quotes Bible verses to make people believe that he is a sheep to cover the fact that he is a wolf out to get the naïve and the stupid. I’m not saying wolves cannot become sheep when put into a situation that will compel them to transform. Just saying that now, while he acts like a wolf, I want to get a rock and hit his head with it repeatedly.
It’s not really the lie that pisses me off. It’s his utter disregard for my intelligence and (stalking) skills of being able to find out. I say it’s not the lie, because I do not really care what he does with his life. I am his friend, not his partner. Whatever he does with the opposite (or same, hahaha) sex is of no concern to me. And as his friend, he should already know by now that I am not shallow when it comes to anything and everything. So what’s the lie for?
Another friend thinks that he might have lied because he is not yet ready for me to know that side of him because he might want to take what we have a to a different level. And I said, “Level niya mukha niya.” Haha, just a typical Iya-hirit. I’m not violent or hateful, I just like snide comments for show. Truth be told, there’s a tender spot in my heart for this person. I wouldn’t be frustrated like this, if there isn’t any. I just really have a big issue with dishonesty, especially after my last relationship. If you want to be part of my life, please do not start off with a falsehood, because if I ever find it out, I will forgive you but your image will most likely be marred for life and you would have to deal with my distrust.
I’m sorry this post is cryptic. I just really want to rant to an audience. I deactivated my Facebook for now because I don’t want to post there for all of our common friends to see. I believe my blog is read by strangers mostly, so there.